1. We know that just as in any other profession there are bad doctors and good ones, and we are aware of the scoop about all the good, bad and ugly ones. (Man, there are a lot of ugly doctors).
Anyway, there are some doctors that are a joy to work with, and they are also great with their patients. But there are those that we wouldn't want touching us with a ten-foot-pole. It's like the old joke, "What do you call a med student who passes at the bottom of his class? A doctor."
Some are pretty freaking awful to work with, but they are great doctors and their patients love them, and we're okay with this. Ultimately, all we care about is that they treat patients with respect, have good bedside manner and know what the heck they're doing, even if they do treat us like dirt. Most of us believe in the Karma train, not gonna lie.
It's the ones that walk around like they're God and in reality, they're awful doctors and a nightmare to work with that we despise. It's usually the friendly, sweet ones that are the best doctors. But if you think we'll tell you the truth about each doctor, you're wrong. These are professional secrets that we can't really share. We do usually pass you hints if you ask, though. If you tell us how wonderful you think your doctor is, and we respond with an "um, yep, time for my break now," your doctor probably isn't our favorite. If we go out of our way to sing your doctors praises, then you've probably picked the right doc.
2. We are often your only advocate. The first thing we learn in nursing school is that our number one priority is to be a patient's advocate. Our eyes are constantly open for mistakes in your chart and doctor's orders. We are frequently the only thing that comes between you and a hearse.
Doctors don't know you the way we do. We must know everything about our patients. Everything from your name to every medication you're taking, your allergies and every health condition you have. We monitor what you eat and what you don't, what you excrete and what you don't, your vital signs, your dog's birthday and everything in between.
It's best to be completely honest with us because we are the ones that will report anything questionable to your physician. The reason your physician is so knowledgeable about you is because we tell them . They rely on us to be their eyes and ears.
3. When we ask you a question we usually know the answer, and we know when you're lying. It's difficult to fool a nurse. We can guess your blood alcohol level when your walk in the door. We know if you're using drugs and if you're drug-seeking.
Remember humans may be unique, but they are also very similar in the way they act in certain situations. We have learned to hone in on the way a drug seeker acts, the way an alcoholic acts..., etc. So don't embarrass yourself by trying to pull the wool over our eyes. It won't fly slick! While we are taught not to judge, we judge, it's human nature.
4. We think "what the hell?" at least ten times an hour, but we're never surprised. In nursing, just when you think you've seen it all some other "WTH?" moment occurs. So we are pretty used to surprises. If you believe that you're the only chick that's ever had a kid we've got news for ya. Pull up your big girl panties and get over it, you're not the first, and you certainly won't be the last.
Nor are you the first one with a migraine, a rectal abscess, diarrhea or a paperweight lodged in your rectum. Although we will treat you like you're special, you're really just the 10th case of the same ole crap, (pardon the pun), that's walked in the door that day. Wanna know how we are so good at what we do? Cause we do it ALL DAY LONG.
5. We're tired of being human GPS systems. I know hospitals can be confusing and a little bit maize like, but can you just pay attention. We really do get tired of giving every Mr. Magoo that walks in the door directions. Man, I feel like I do this in my sleep.
I don't mind telling you once, but when you ask me the same directions five times in the same day, even nurses have their limits.
6. Yes, we know what's wrong with you and no we cannot tell you. Most of the time nurses know exactly what's wrong with all their patients, but we are not allowed to tell you. Please stop trying to make us. I don't care if you have an ingrown hair in your butt; I can't tell you. By law, nurses are not permitted to diagnose. Heck, if they allowed that how would doctors charge a million dollars to write a script for pink eye?
Asking us extra nicely, saying please and even giving us a million dollars isn't going to help us make the decision to break the law. Okay, maybe a cool million and I might tell, but if you can't give me a million then stop asking already. Your best bet is to become one of my family members or close friends; they get free medical information around the clock,...scroungers!